Imagine you want to go to the beach on a glorious summer’s day. You pack up everything you believe you will need for a refreshing day on the sand, anticipating yourself relaxing as a warm sea breeze moves across the beach, salt spray misting about you, and the sound of the surf filling your ears. Leaving the parking lot, you envision finding the most perfect spot to camp out for several hours. You walk through an opening in the dunes and, scanning the seaside, you notice nobody is in the water. Red flags dominate your line of sight. Something is out there to aware of. Maybe the rip currents are ridiculously powerful right now. Maybe there has been a shark sighting.
Perils and predators have been constant threats to every species on the planet since there have been predators and prey. The two-legged type of predator that is of concern probably started stalking the cyber universe the day after the internet was launched.
Grooming involves all the actions taken by a predator/pedophile to befriend and develop a relationship with an underage victim with an eye to sexual exploitation.
John Shehan of the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children (NCMEC) noted that in April 2020 this organization recorded 4.1 million child cyber abuse reports! 4.1 MILLION! In her work, Interpreting the Intentions of Internet Predators, author Catherine D. Marcum stressed how important it was that the public knew how much abuse occurs on line , “but how predators use blatant tactics of manipulation-often successfully.”
San Jose, CA, based attorneys, Lauren Cerri, Mark Boskovich and B. Robert Allard, handle cases for sexual abuse victims. They point to various stages of a pedophile’s abuse cycle:
1) Monitor and surveil the child
2) Lure the child
3) Groom the child
4) Sexually abuse the child
5) Abandon the child
The varied groups of professionals who deal with these felons tend to agree of the seductive practices of predation. These two-legged wolves and lions will separate the vulnerable from the herd.
Who are the vulnerable?
Those looking for attention. Those who feel isolated and want someone to listen to them. A child lacking confidence. A child struggling socially. A child with disabilities. A child in a challenging family situation. Psychologist William James wrote, The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated. Hard wired into our psyches.
Predators desensitize their targets to touch, make incidental contact become more frequent, more acceptable. They engage in secrecy with their prey, become connected attached to the victim as their emotional support system (empathy). Pedophiles initiate many one on one meetings with their intended victim (isolation). They create scenarios to make the child believe they wanted the abuse (shame), that the child’s “involuntary physical responses,” according to Michigan State University research, “were wanted and consented to,” (desensitizing).
Kimberly King wrote in the August 22, 2022, Tough Topics Mom about predatory grooming practices. She said parents must look for and recognize grooming indicators when speaking with a child:
Has your child confided in you that an adult has asked them to keep secrets?
Has your child been called a special friend of an adult?
Has an adult asked your child to spend time alone with them?
Has an adult asked your child for hugs and kisses?
Has your child told you they learned an off-color joke form an adult?
Has your child told you their special friend understands them better than you?
Predators succeed because their victims are conditioned to believe what they are repeatedly told. Parents and guardians must be watchful, make informed decisions about things that affect their child’s safety and well-being.
Stress that your child should never share a secret with another adult that they couldn’t feel they could talk to you about.
Teach your child that the Buddy System is appropriate to use any and every time they are meeting someone without you present.
Your child must understand they have complete say so over their bodies. Personal space also means they can absolutely say NO to touches of any kind-hugs, kisses, tickling, roughhousing, and the like.
Finally, your child must know they can always approach and confide in you about some behavior that make them uncomfortable, awkward, ashamed or fearful.
Growing up is hard enough as it is. If parents find themselves in a questionable situation where they feel abuse might be lurking or has happened, resources andhelp is available. Cerri, Boskovich and Allard recommend:
1) Be aware of your child’s psychological state
2) Immediately cut off all contact between your child and the person in question
3) Know where your children are
4) Don’t force your children to be affectionate
5) Educate your children about sex, abuse and grooming
6) Trust, but not blindly.
Be Safe.